


Bye bye my blue

by sleep_pronoia (nap_princess)



Category: Original Work, Yerin Beak
Genre: Angst, F/M, Modern AU, Romance, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 21:36:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15495189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nap_princess/pseuds/sleep_pronoia
Summary: My darling, just calling your name makes my heart full / She treats him like a friend / Sadness is confusing– Yerin Baek-centric[a bunch of symbolisms, explanation at the end of the story]





	1. one-shot

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Bye Bye My Blue](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/401631) by Yerin Baek (백예린). 



**Bye bye my blue**

* * *

 

Yerin walks in a straight-line in a tunnel she's visited before. It's not poetic, she isn't traveling down a tunnel that leads to the 'other side'. She is in a tunnel that's abandon and rarely visited with the exception of her and her friends and him. Maybe it's not literal but it felt like a tunnel that served a purpose. She wasn't dead or barely alive. Yerin was very much fit and healthy physically but not exactly quiet in mind, it was too loud in there.

Her sneakers follow the yellow painted divider on the gravel as she's followed by rows of white lights illuminating the way.

She walked into this tunnel with him but now she's going to walk out of it alone. The weight of the cassette tucked in her pocket weights down her silky shirt by a smidge.

She knows where she's going. It's getting dark though.

* * *

Yerin first met him while she was wearing her favourite blue sweater and he was reading a book with blue tape holding it together. They were the only two people in a cafe that was isolated and decorated with wooden furniture.

Yerin thinks she's seen him around a lot. It's hard to not notice him. A lonely guy like him loitering around in aesthetic coffee shops in Korea. Guys like him who wears caps to hide his face.

Her pink glossed lips curve into a smile as she introduces herself.

He smiles back but he knows that smile is a lie, she isn't exactly happy to see him around. She just recognizes him.

He doesn't say much after she befriends him but he accompanies her when she says she wants a friend and reads when she doesn't want to talk. They explore places that are just as sad and lonely as they are.

* * *

"Why am I jealous of what you have?" She sings the lyrics to her cassette that she's going to record. "Holding tight onto things I'll never have,"

Yerin twirls, looking at her wardrobe that's filled with so much blue clothes that it hurts to look at. Maybe she should change up her style? Black and white are always acceptable colours. Maybe she'll buy a couple of stripped shirts?

* * *

He catches her looking out the window when they visit yet another abandon-y cafe that lets them read in silence. She's deep in thought and he has two glasses of water in his hands. One for him and one for her. Except even in the plainest of drinks, hers is fancy and topped off with a straw. It's clear, non-coloured and see-through though.

He doesn't know if he should disturb her.

Yerin's changed a bit. In style and feeling. She's wearing a silky shirt that was white with small splashes of colour. It was the kind of shirt that was so soft that you can sleep in. It was also the kind of shirt where nothing clings onto it because it's too slippery to hold.

…

"How much better do I want to be?" Yerin asks herself under her breath.

Her finger that's neglected with chipped away red nail polish and inked small tattoos traces words on the window as she waits. Finger prints stick and stay, dirtying the glass as she empties her mind but fills in the space of the four-panel window.

.

**너도** **똑같은** **거** **다** **아는데** **내가** **이기적인** **걸까**

**많이** **가져도** **난** **아직** **너** **같진** **않아**

( _I know you're the same, maybe I'm just being selfish?_

_Although I have a lot, I'm still not quite like you_ )

…

He thinks he should worry about her as she walks alone outside the cafe. Hands stretched by her side as she walks on a beam. She's struggling as she attempts to balance herself, to balance her blues, to balance her life.

He doesn't even try to hide that he's looking out through the window and not having his nose buried in his pink book of choice.

* * *

Yerin told him that she couldn't see him today because she doesn't want to leave her new friend alone at home. So she's invited him and he can't really decline the offer because he wanted to hang out with her today even if they did absolutely nothing.

He walks by the landmarks that Yerin tells him. A tree covered in knitting, a lilac painted house, an aquarium pet shop which Yerin says is important. He stops at the pet shop and looks into the biggest tank by the window. It's empty save for a small blue fish hiding by the corals.

When he gets to her house that's not locked and clean in a cluttered way, he yells for her and she yells back that she's in the bathroom and that he should come in but not in a kinky way because Yerin's not like that.

When he does as he's told, he finds her sitting in a spotless clean bathroom with a fish bowl in her hands.

"You asked me to come to your house because you couldn't leave your pet fish by itself?" He asks.

"Yeah," She replies.

He cocks his eyebrow.

"Pink here was the last one." Yerin says, lifting the bowl so that she's eye-level with her new friend. "I couldn't just leave her alone. I didn't want her to get lonely."

He looks towards the door then looks back at her.

"I'll be right back," He says then leaves, grabbing onto his black cap so that it doesn't fly off as he runs.

...

When he returns, he's not alone. A blue fish swims in a plastic bag in his hands, he pours it into Yerin's fish bowl without speaking and she doesn't either.

Pink and blue swim in her vision.

It's not until the fish are happy together then does she say, "I guess Pink's not alone anymore."

* * *

Yerin writes her lyrics so that she doesn't forget. So that it doesn't drift as easily as she drifts off to sleep. She feels like a little kid, writing in her diary, the glow of her phone illuminating her words. Her writing is sloppy, big and blue, but she doesn't care. As long as she doesn't forget then it's worth it.

.

**아픈** **기억들** **위로** **매일** **혼자** **걸어** **난**  
**아플걸** **알아도** **자꾸** **마음이** **가나** **봐** **  
** **그래서** **자꾸** **네게** **욕심을** **내나** **봐**

( _Every day I walk alone, over the painful memories,_

_I know it'll hurt but I can't help noticing,_

_Maybe that's why I keep longing for you?_ )

* * *

 

They have to take the subway that's decorated with car license plates then go through a sketchy looking apartment building to get to the old record shop that Yerin claims is her happy place. She waves him over whenever he falls behind and calls his name when he gets tired of walking.

She's energetic today. Excited too. He's a little eager to go to this place. What if he ruins it? He doesn't know why she'd show him this magical place. He thinks it's best to keep things to oneself.

…

 

He's all dark blue and bright orange while she's wearing black and white stripes and a jean skirt when they enter the shop. It looks just as empty as all the other shops they usually visit. The record shop is more aesthetically pleasing than normal and decorated with fake tall plants.

They pick up records that match their shirts. She tells him about things that make her happy. He can see that this is the rare times she doesn't doubt herself. They listen to Frank Sinatra and Amy Winehouse serenate them.

He tries his hand at singing as he picks up a headphone and listens to a tune that is oh-so familiar. He sees her smile at him at the corner of his eye. She arguably has the prettiest smile he's ever seen. But it's without a doubt that she's the prettiest girl he's ever met.

After a while, she picks up a microphone that looks as old-timey as the place itself.

"My, my, my darling." Yerin sings and his heart swells. He pretends she's singing about him or to him or both as he was for her earlier. "Just calling your name makes my heart full." She twirls and faces him, microphone pressed close to her lips. "I want to get bigger, bigger, and bigger."

He grins at her and she beams back.

She finishes her song, "So I can give you a big armful of hugs."

* * *

She's got a handful of friends and he's only got her and his shelves of books and collection of hats but that's okay because he doesn't mind at all.

…

The next time they see each other, it's not just between themselves. It's with her friends too. Their wardrobes have suddenly mirrored each other's. He's wearing black with white stripes and she's wearing white with black stripes. He can't tell anymore if he's turning more into Yerin or if Yerin is turning more into him.

…

He's forgotten her friends' names so he calls them by letters. Not because he thinks they're lesser than him to the point that he can't be bothered to ask but because he's the odd one out and he doesn't talk directly to them. He thinks he's just in the background, following Yerin like a lost puppy, while her friends walk besides her.

X and Y are both Korean like Yerin but Z's black and He's white so he guesses he doesn't stick out that much from her group of friends. Though he likes to watch them more rather than join them. He likes how they joke around and reach out for each other and let each other lean against one another. It's nice.

X's hair is short. Like so short that her hair can only be pulled and styled into twin ponytails. But it's fitting for her because she's small and cute. She's also accepting and can pull anything off in her oversized bright green shirt and circular glasses.

Y's calm and quiet. Arguably even shy. Y wears dreary and dull colours. Y probably says less than He does but that's okay. That's fine because Y's loved. X loves Y for the way he is. It's clear from the way X doesn't leave Y's side and the way she subconsciously places her hand on his shoulder.

Meanwhile, Z's more of the heart of the group. Z skateboards everywhere and every opportunity he gets. He can't help but notice that He and Z are the exact opposite of each other. Z's all big smiles and fun while He's all tight-lipped and solute.

Yerin and her friends all end up sitting on a roof and watching the world go by. Z sits on his skateboard near Yerin while X and Y sit closely like the couple they are. He sits on a chair behind them, leaning against the wall and drinking a pop soda. It's easier this way for him if he ever wanted to leave early but he never does. He only leaves when Yerin leaves.

He watches the city and, Yerin and her friends and, Z's ear-piercing shinning and reflecting light.

In the end, they stare at the city until it's only Yerin and him and the purple sky.

…

Yerin holds her tongue as she sits and admires the fading light from the sky and the one's that are switched on in apartment buildings and offices. She wants to say something to him. She wants to say a lot of things to fill up the empty silence but she's afraid.

Isn't scenarios like these where anything can happen? A big fight, exposed feelings and tears? It's just them and the gaping, darkening sky.

It's too much for her. The possibilities are too much. She wants to push him away despite knowing she'll make things uncomfortable.

She doesn't think she deserves him who's always by her side when she thinks she should be alone. Although there is so much she wants to hear from him, she doesn't date desire such a thing. Especially from him who doesn't say a lot.

Yerin tells herself that she'll just wait painfully.

…

"Yerin?" He calls.

She turns away from the sight and to him, eyes sparkling like Z's piercing. He doesn't know if it's because of the atmosphere or because she's been fighting tears that's threatening to run down her face.

"When do you want to go home?" He asks.

"In a while," Yerin answers and looks away.

* * *

She's running. Yerin's running behind her friends as they explore an empty tunnel. Cars don't go this way anymore but the lights still work and it's safe with the five of them.

She's running. Running, running, running. Orange platted shirt fluttering behind her.

But then suddenly her friends are all ahead and she's the last one in the race. Z rides off on his skateboard, zooming ahead. X and Y run side by side, catching up. Yerin turns her head, she can see he's way behind. Just walking slowly.

Yerin doesn't tell anyone this but she's glad she can always look back and see him there.

* * *

Yerin interrupts his session with coffee and a good book by jumping up and down on the long booth he's sitting at.

He groans at her antics as he lowers his turquoise paperback and she laughs.

She's happy. Beyond happy because she's finished recording her cassette.

* * *

"Do you want to go to the old tunnel again?" She asks him one day after visiting multiple small cafes that's aesthetic and probably about to close down soon. They were always so pretty yet so empty.

"The one you went with your friends last month?" He asks Yerin.

"You were there too." Yerin tells him.

He doesn't say anything to that. But he looks at her with his corn-flower blue eyes and answers, "Yeah, sure. We can go to the tunnel today."

It's not like he's got anything better to do when he's not around her.

...

They walk on the yellow divider line in the tunnel and explore dark places and pretend that the small lights are stars that they are desperately trying to star-gaze in this big city.

* * *

When she walks at the end of the tunnel, cassette in her silky pocket shirt, she finds that she's alone. The lights no longer shined as bright down here and it's darker right now but Yerin feels like she needs to do this.

She  _has_  to.

Alone.

…

She's finally finished recording in that small, old record shop that she loves so much. Yerin pops the cassette out of the machine and grabs a blue marker by the cashier.

It's time for her to go. It's time for her to stop being sad and to stop dragging her sadness around.

She writes,  **Bye bye my blue.**

…

**나의** **나의** **나의** **그대여**  
**이름만** **불러봐도** **맘이** **벅차요**  
**난** **더욱** **더욱** **더욱** **크게** **되어** **  
** **널** **가득** **안고** **싶고** **그래요**

( _My, my, my darling,_

_Just calling your name makes my heart full,_

_I want to get bigger, bigger, and bigger,_

_So I can give you a big armful of hugs_ )

* * *

****end** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fucking trip and even I don't understand what I wrote? I think in my mind I was trying to tell a story that was more complex than I can handle.
> 
> I listen to this song daily, you guys. It's my alarm.
> 
> I was going to post this as an anniversary and birthday present for Yerin on 16 June 2018, as the music video said it was filmed on 16 June and published on 20 June while Yerin Baek's birthday is on 26 June, but this song has helped me through so many times that I thought any time to post this would be fine. Maybe a gift for 'November song' then?
> 
> – 3 November 2017


	2. explanation

**Explanation of the story**

 

Characters

_Yerin_

– A sad girl who feels mostly when she's singing.

– She's basically trying to write her song so that she can write off her sadness which is 'He', the nameless dude. Though at times she invites him and feels comfort in him because she feels like he's a familiar friend.

– it's only when she finishes the song and walks down the tunnel does she find the courage to let go of the blue feelings.

 

_He, him, blue, sadness, cap guy_

– My idea didn't start out like this. I think I turn the dude into the embodiment of sadness all because I couldn't read Korean in a music video.

– He wears a lot of blue to indicate he's sadness but often he changes to match Yerin because he basically is her. He is one of her feelings. Has anyone ever found comfort in sadness? Because Yerin has and he's found comfort in her too.

– He kind of wants the best for her. He worries about her but he can't really do much or say much. All he can do is comfort her.

– From translation, my housemate's Korean friend told me that his # in the music video was translated to 'Daddy Long Legs' and I don't get the meaning despite it being represented many times in English Lit. It's also funny that the lyrics say "Calling your name makes my heart full" but he doesn't even have a name in the story. Haha, loser.

 

_X, Y and Z_

– Yerin's friends, AKA, also her emotions too. The reason I said Z's the opposite of He is because Z's 'happiness' and he's 'sadness'. The whole race thing is not me trying to be poetic, it's in the music video and Z just looks like the life of the party with his rad skateboard. X is acceptance and Y is comfort. The reason He can't remember their names is because he's unfamiliar with these other feelings that are usually clumped together.

 

Places

 

 _The empty coffee shops/cafe_  – Is where Yerin likes to go to the most. It's where she feels empty but then fills up the spaces by reading books that give her the words she can't find for herself.

 _Subway_ – It takes you places and the license plates are just names that go places too. Kinda like the forked road in  _Alice in Wonderland_.

 _The record shop_  – It's where Yerin can sing and express herself. It's when she is the happiest though not really because she invited the sadness guy.

 _Yerin's house_  – So Yerin's house that's not locked and cluttered is her heart and head and feelings (?) I don't even understand myself. But I was basically trying to say, when the guy gets invited and gets to walk out of her house, it signifies that he has the ability to come and go as he pleases. But he always returns and sometimes it makes her happy because she's kept company.

 _The roof top_  – Basically a fast place where Yerin can see things in a night view and come to terms that she needs to stop being sad because there's a bigger picture.

 _The tunnel_  – It signifies Yerin's life. Sometimes it's light and sometimes it's dark and at times, narrow? Yerin's never had the ability to go all the way, she's always surrounded or accompanied by someone until she decides to let go of sadness the dude and travel down it even if it seems dark at first. In the end, she decides even though it's scary, she wants to do it. And with the cassette in her pocket being a reminder, she feels like she can move on.

 

Others

_Clothes_

– Ah, the best way to express one self!

– So let's start with Yerin! She changes her clothes to signify how she changes her feelings and emotions. Black and white because life feels that way sometimes. Bright orange is when she wants to be known yet also cautions. Silky shirts to signify that she doesn't want to be held down. Yerin wants to change. But no matter how much she changes, the dude – him, he, blue guy, sadness (?) – is always there for her or around her.

– He wears caps because according to social media and shits, caps are secretive. Even  _Marvel_ 's always like "They'll never recognize you if you wear caps!" Bitch, it is a cap, not  _Harry Potter_ 's magical invisible cloak! I see you!

 

_Pink and blue (fish)_

– I'm not really going to explain the pink and blue because it's obvious it means opposites. Sometimes Pink and Blue it's Yerin and sometimes it's him. Also swimming fish has like a bazillion meanings. Also maybe Yin and Yang. Like they need each other? Inspiration often comes when emotion is deep and sad.

 

_Turquoise_

– It's a clash of two colours; blue and green. But I thought it could symbolize the blue turning to green. And green is often linked with happiness so year.


End file.
